The Best European Mattresses

     "This budget stuff: it just isn't that hard to do!" he says.  His friend nods in agreement.  "I tell you, when my wife and I went and talked about getting a new mattress I was saying, 'Woah', what's wrong with the one we got?  She says, 'Nothin.  if all you're trying to do is sleep on your side with your back to me every night.  I'm gonna git me a good night's sleep if you ain't gonna help me do it.'"  The sound of liquid in his sinuses snorting up into his brain.

     "Well, what'd you do?" his friend asked.

     "I drink a beer, watch some TV, and now since we got that direct deposit the wife's been garnishing my wages and next thing I know she's spending all her time in the bedroom."

     The two of them sit and grunt disapproval at the more common quandaries of of married life.  Kids?  Fuck the sticky little bastards.  Them and their power rangers and legos.  And these new fangled video game machines are gonna rot their brains.  Little retards don't even know how to hook a fish or start a campfire or fight.  Crack the beer.  Slurp.  Me? I got her a necklace she'll never wear for our anniversary.  We had reservations but turns out she doesn't like Chinese so we ended up at happy hour down at the Senor Tacos down the street.

     They peel open the McDonald's bag and procure a couple of cheeseburgers our of its papery depths.  Wet munching and ruffling knapkins and pass the ketchup packets please, thank you.  Finally:

     "So what kinda mattress'd she get?"

     "Mattress? Ha!" Chunks of synthetic bread come splurting out his mouth.  "She bought one o them fancy sex dolls they make in Europe.  'Parently you can get em all custom ordered to look like your husband or some lover you'd like.  Creepy thing doesn't look anything like me."

     "What's it look like."

     "Our son."